The Trump White House Visiting Rules
Remember the First Rule of the Trump Administration: We don’t follow ANY rules.
You are required to don the ski mask that we sent you at least two miles from the White House, and to keep wearing it all the time that you are here, and to wear it at least two miles after you leave, so the Fake News Press cannot identify any visitors. You may keep the ski mask for future visits, but keep it well hidden so that the fact that you visited the White House can never be discovered.
You can be admitted straight on if you have an NRA membership card, or a concealed carry license, or an oil or coal company card, or are an employee of Goldman Sachs, or are a Russian.
You do not have to ask about the lunch menu – it is fixed: MacDonald’s Big Mac Monday; Taco Tuesday; Whopper Wednesday; Thunderous Thursdays Meatloaf in the shape of the bomb dropped that day; and Frogs Legs Friday.
While you are there, please drink the complimentary and patriotic “Trump Coal Stream Runoff Water”, fortified with robust Mercury, Sulfur, and Uranium, from American streams in Kentucky and West Virginia.
Don’t forget to take advantage of one of the last chances to visit Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, who’s office keeps moving closer to the Exit door. If you do see Darth Vader, don’t be alarmed, it is Bannon dressing for lunch. If Darth gives you the hand strangulation signal, play along with it — we all do, and he thinks he has that much power.
Don’t expect the President to spend the weekends in the White House – he will be hidden on a Trump golf course.
The area around the Press Secretaries office is indicated by the Spicier décor. Do not enter that area with anything but “alternative facts”. It is a “real fact free zone”. Never mention the “Bowling Green Massacre” or “what happened in Sweden last night” — they will have the secret service question you endlessly about them.
Remember to limit your talk with the President to five minutes. Reince Priebus is there to keep time. Any talk that reaches ten minutes will convince the President that it is a “very, very, very complex problem”, and he will become too confused to act on it.
Never interrupt Jared Kushner, should he ever speak.
If you have ever lobbied or sued against a sensible Obama regulation, expect to be persuaded to join the Administration to oversee and destroy that regulation.
Don’t ever mention that you paid federal income taxes — you will be labeled “stupid” and will not be listened to.
President Trump is a germaphobe. Do not visit that White House if you have a cold or any disease or infection, of have had one in the last two weeks. Should you sniffle, sneeze, or cough in the White House, you will be unmasked and expelled. Do not act alarmed when the White House is sprayed with disinfectant at 11:00 am. OMB Director Mick Mulvaney, and EPA Director Scott Pruitt, have guaranteed us that there is no evidence that it is harmful.
To go in or out of the Oval office, say the passphrase “The Climate is Always Changing”.
Don’t let the President shake your hand for more than a minute — we have him on a tight schedule.
If the President has the nuclear football open, please remind him it is button on the LEFT that orders lunch — the one on the RIGHT launches the missiles.
Finally, Never, Ever, touch anything Gold that you see — that is the Trump Presidential Brand.
