Trump’s Oilocracy: A Government Of the Oilgarchs, By the Oilgarchs, and For the Oilgarchs
(Apologies to President Lincoln)
(This article is meant for humor. This is not fake news. Nothing in this article is true, yet.)
An oil gusher in every neighborhood. An oil platform off of every beach. An oil field in every National Forest.
How can they return oil to $120 a barrel and $4 a gallon? How can you increase production but drive the price back up for scarcity? An oil reserve under every hill? Every car a Hummer?
Trump Quits the United Nations, Joins OPEC.
New EPA “scientists” prove air pollution makes you healthier. They prove the theory that: Environmental Stresses Makes You Tougher.
Trump Closes Department of Energy and EPA, Makes New Department of Oil Exploitation.
Constitutional Amendment Proposed: All Presidential Candidates Must Be Oilgarchs.
Trump declares: All congressional bills must be written by someone in the oil industry, for him to sign them.
Ben Carson, now Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, declares that the laws of physics and engineering are not settled, “nobody knows whether they are valid”. He then condemns all Trump Towers as possibly unsafe. Trump goes bankrupt. Files HUGE loss. Declares he’s a winner and a tax genius: won’t have to pay federal income taxes for another 100 years.
New Secretary of Energy, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, gets briefing on the department’s nuclear weapons. Can’t understand a bit of it. Declares nuclear science not settled, “nobody knows whether they will work”. Dismantles all of them. Other nations follow suit. Idiot wins Nobel Peace Prize.
Scott Pruitt, professional climate science denier and new Administrator of the EPA, proves that global warming is good for us, and moves to Canada.
New Department of Education Standards: Common Corporate Curriculum
New Trump golf course hazards: oil derricks and fracking waste-water ponds.
New voting requirement, must bring a Trump Tower Suite receipt.
Make America Oily Again
Who needs to live longer, when you have all the oil that you want, and your Hummer?
Trump converts federal fleet to gas-guzzling Hummers.
Trump doubles Navy size with oil tankers.
Trump, Putin, Khamenei, Xi Jinping, and Kim Jong-un share experts to hack each others political opponents and networks. If a foreign country does it, you get away with it.
New Secretary of Energy, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, again forgets the agency he works for, never shows up.
Gov. Rick Scott of Florida, tired of paying billions to avoid sea level rise flooding, condemns Trump International Golf Club, West Palm Beach, and installs a massive wind farm on it. Trump doesn’t sue. Discovers selling power pays off more than golf did. Converts all of his golf courses to wind and solar.
New Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, divests Exxon, sells it to Putin.
Andy Puzder, CEO of CKE which owns Carl’s Jr., and new Secretary of Labor, proposes that the Whopper be named the National Meal. Trump cancels this, instituting Frogs Legs as the National Meal. Harassed frogs emigrate to Mexico. Starving ‘gators invade Mar-a-Lago. Trump holds them off with Whoppers. Art of the Deal.
Trump renegotiates Paris climate agreement, by moving it to Trump Tower, N.Y.
(The only consolation for Democrats is that we survived 8 years of Republican oilman George W. Bush as President, with VP Dick Cheney of Haliburton oil service company. We also rebuilt after most serious recession from unregulated junk home loans, and the unneeded Iraq war.)