Written by Franchesca Buendia and Edited by Kevin Liu
Confrontation, the act of directly addressing issues between others, is uncomfortable for everyone. However, many people opt to suppress their concerns to avoid conflict or prevent the situation from escalating. Though a straightforward discussion of problematic matters is a necessary and efficient facet of defusing such contentions in relationships, professional environments, and urgent situations, people regularly choose to suppress the need for confrontation. This deflection of communication and transparency eventually leads to a grudge– the withheld feeling of bitterness that gradually manifests with time– and it progressively over inflates the gravity of the situation as it simmers in your mind.
As grudges manifest, they encapsulate a range of emotions such as betrayal, invasion of self-esteem, and hatred [1]. There is an explanation for the fostered complex emotions and a compulsory need to justify them; many grudges are formed during adolescence because the developing brain is conflicted between treating altercations with a mature response versus a regressive defense to preserve self-esteem/ego– where logic and pride collide [1]. It’s common for grudges to stem from feelings of being wronged, since your brain struggles to process the issues between the scopes of logic or pride. Overthinking the matter is also a detrimental factor in compounding a grudge’s weight, since self-construed hypotheticals and interpretations of the other person only cloud the situation. This one-sided analysis made by overthinking only makes the grudge deviate away from realistic outcomes and more prone to false conclusions [2].
As if the mental burden wasn’t enough, there are physical implications from the stress produced by holding such grudges. In fact, the disparate effects on blood pressure correspond to different types of grudge alleviation. People who choose to forgive through rationale and acceptance have lower blood pressures than those who are religiously compelled to do so [3]. In addition to choosing to forgive, other ways to lessen the implications from grudges is to have a solid support system and a cherishable social life. This is because many people’s reported quality of life levels have a positive correlation to their satisfaction levels in their social circles and a negative correlation on their levels of loneliness [4].
Additionally, exercise can be the key to fostering a healthy conversation and forgiveness, since certain workouts like aerobics and flexibility training allow for clarity, self-reflection, and emotional regulation needed to re-evaluate grudges [5]. Taking this avenue allows individuals to look at the true nature of the situation and build the self-awareness needed to make amends, whether it be a heart-to-heart or a prompt exchange of thoughts. Thus, being mindful of different angles of situations and the consequences of your actions is better than suppressing spiteful realizations about the past. The final step of processing a grudge, the ability to forgive, is positively correlated with higher levels of self-control [6]. Hence, forgiveness is the optimal pathway in dealing with grudges, since it loosens tensions, alleviates stress, and clarifies the dynamics of the relationship involved. While it can be difficult to confront and forgive in the moment, it is in our best interests to do so in the long run.
References:
- Wixen, B. (1971) Grudges: A Psychoanalytical Study. Psychoanalytic Review, 58: 333.
- Varon, J., Boston, J. (2019) When you know too much for your own good: The boston-varon syndrome. Critical Care and Shock, 22: 281–284.
- Witvliet, C., Ludwig, T., Laan, K. (2001) Granting Forgiveness or Harboring Grudges: Implications for Emotion, Physiology, and Health. Psychological Science, 12: 117–123.
- Kuczynski, A.M., Kanter, J.W., Robinaugh, D.J. (2019) Differential associations between interpersonal variables and quality-of-life in a sample of college students. Health Psychology, 20: 243-255.
- Struthers, C., Monsjou, E., Ayoub, M., Guilfoyle, J. (2017) Fit to Forgive: Effect of Mode of Exercise on Capacity to Override Grudges and Forgiveness. Frontiers in Psychology, 8: 538.
- Burnette, J., Davisson, E., Finkel, E., Tongeren, D., Hui, C., Hoyle, R. 2014. Self-Control and Forgiveness: A Meta-Analytic Review. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5: 443–450.