Here are two of the Spring submissions that will be published in this quarter’s upcoming edition of CHP’s creative works journal. They are also contenders for the NAR Superlatives, so check them out and vote right here!
Glass Monolith by Jordan Knopp
Application by Jeremy Moore
With the help of my roommate Brandon Liu
Basic Info-
Name: Jeremy Moore
Jeremy Moore
Age: 20
22. Oh, you’re 20? Dude, why aren’t you 21 yet? Fuuuuck.
Hometown: Placerville, CA
Just say NorCal.
Major: English
English, but that doesn’t get you any girls. Business Administration [winks].
Extracurricular Activities: Campuswide Honors Program, Model United Nations
MUN, CHP, just say you’re in a frat.
Professional-
What have you learned during your time at UCI? What haven’t I learned! My time at UCI has been absolutely amazing, and the single greatest adventure of my life. Besides the outstanding intellectual of upper division English courses and CHP classes, I would have to say I’ve learned a lot about people and human behavior from all the amazing students and faculty that I interact with on a daily basis.
I learned that there are people besides white people. I learned to love Asian girls. Except —–
—– is a huge bitch. No, take that sentence out. I learned how lucky I am to be a white person, and I like to demoralize Asians to make myself feel better. Wait, what was the question again?
What is your single greatest UCI memory? This has to be living in the dorms during first year and bonding with so many people that were surprisingly similar (and sometimes, surprisingly different!) from myself.
When I first got with some girl. Just kidding, take that out. MUN. Are we done with this yet?
What are your plans after graduation? Hopefully, attend a graduate school for human resources.
At this rate, I probably won’t graduate [giggles uncontrollably].
Have you made any lifelong friends? Absolutely. In the beginning I was hesitant and sort of shy to commit to meeting anyone new, but now I can’t imagine life without my college friends.
Yeah, but they always end up in sex and awkwardness. Dude, ten hours ago I had 800 friends and now I’m back to 798. At this rate, I’m never going to get 1,000 before I graduate.
What is the best class you took at UCI? Definitely Writing 110 with Michelle Latiolais. The workshop atmosphere was amazing.
MUN.
Personal-
How would you describe yourself? I would say that I’m loud and sometimes I’m too insecure for my own good. But more positively, I’m funny and trustworthy and I can be hardworking when I want to be.
Gay [giggles uncontrollably].
What’s your biggest strength? Communication, for sure. I can’t stand when inefficiencies arise from people just not talking to each other.
Being gay. No, no, no. Being able to use my sense of humor to make my roommate look gay. Stop doing that, brah.
What’s your biggest weakness? I think I tend to come off as a little immature and apathetic, but anyone who knows me and sees the results I get at school and in my jobs knows this isn’t true.
My penis size and the fact that I can’t count over my GPA.
What’s your number one goal in life? To find some sort of stability and security.
To bench 280.
Describe your perfect date. I’m pretty traditional, probably dinner and a movie? Though I do also enjoy quirky stuff like thrift storing and board games, and those are great ways to find out if I’m compatible with someone.
[Laughs] We already KNOW what it is. I take her out, but that’s not even the important part. I bring her back, I whip out the alcohol, I let that do the job. What is this even for?
What three things would you bring with you to a desert island? A hammock, pens and paper, and the complete works of David Foster Wallace.
Alcohol, and…uhhh…uhhh…what WOULD you bring? Oh, wait, French bread, and a metal plate that says “I’m Jeremy Moore, bitch.” Cause your ego is that big.
How would your friends describe you? They would say I can be loud and overbearing, but I always have them in mind and I get very enthusiastic about what I’m interested in.
Extremely comfortable with myself. Like, a little too comfortable. Stop asking me to go streaking with you, dude.
If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be and why? Woody Allen, because I think he is the funniest person that ever lived.
[Watching recorded Super Smash Brothers Melee matches] Damn dude. Hella good DI. Uhhh. So what’s the question again? [Michael Jackson pedophilia joke]. Wait, wait. [second Michael Jackson pedophilia joke]. That’s my real answer dude, what the fuck? Write that shit down. Fine, uh…that’s it.
Short Answer-
Which one novel that you read during your college experience was most interesting to you, and why?
Probably the short stories of George Sanders. He has such an interesting way of presenting the real issues that people deal with every day. His stories and his characters understand that what might seem mundane to other people can truly be an epic struggle to the person living it, and he finds such mind-bending ways to communicate these themes to the reader.
I’m a businessman. I was born to lead, not to read. Guess where I got that from. The Simpsons Movie. Look it up.
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