Written By Praveen “Krish” Veerasubramanian
Hi there! This blog post aims at reviewing the different strategies that one can use to handle everyday grad school conflicts. Conflicts arise in every relationship irrespective of its status. The knowledge of how one can diffuse conflict is instrumental for the continued health of any relation.
Graduate students wear many hats in their hectic schedule – they act as students, teaching assistants, researchers, collaborators, mentors, and all these considers only the work side of things. They might be subject to various levels of responsibilities in their family, depending on their familial setup. All the roles they play, often interchangeably, bring them into conflicts on an everyday basis. A difference of opinions can form over ideas/perception, expectations/plans, and ethics/ideals. Such disagreements can promote deep personal feelings, which can be aggravated by a delay in diffusing the conflict. These strong feeling stem from a need to feel secure, valued, and respected when there seem to be enough reasons for such an expectation. Dealing with conflicts are thus an everyday need, that can alter future decision and interactions. The faster the differences are patched up, the better it is to build mutual trust between both warring factions. I shall now try to summarize the various facets of conflict resolution and possible ways to achieve the same.
The first step towards conflict resolution is to accept that there is an issue and identify the root cause. Accepting and identifying the problem is quintessential in exploring ways out of it. Be willing to analyze situations in an environment of compassion, understanding, and empathy. Stonewalling, clamming-up and dodging the conflict does not help resolve it – this would instead be a stepping stone to profound distrust and bitterness. A lot of conflicts do not get resolved are often due to this mindset of avoidance. Only by entering arbitrations and seeking conciliation can one hope to end arguments without acrimony.
Work towards harmonizing the situation is the later and bigger half of the process. Many conflicts fail to get resolved at this stage, owing to an unwillingness to accept other fair views, and outright adamancy. The following are key to successful conflict resolution –
Management of stress by being calm, non-emotional and exhibiting presence of mind – This allows you to study the other party’s body language and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication. This also helps you to be rational without emotional outbursts that you might regret later.
Exhibiting good communication – Stick to “I” statements that justify your side of the story and deliver them calmly and logically reasoned. Non-verbal gestures that play a role in this involve positive expressions, maintenance of eye contact, a reassuring tone of voice, and confident posture and gestures. Be specific on the points of conflict and avoid accusations or generalizations (involving words such as “never” and “always”). Be a good listener by being attentive, and clarify, restate, reflect and validate the points of debate.
Being respectful and attentive – The other party will be more willing to give in to your reasonable demands if you are attentive to their side of the arguments. Never use disrespectful words or gestures that might deepen the crisis further. Be emotionally aware of the other party’s mindset and handle the negotiation appropriately.
Being open to compromise and ready to forgive and forget – Reasonable request for compromise may involve some level of adjustments from your side. Be willing to forgive and forget in the interest of amity between both parties.
Being just and avoiding blame-fixing and punishment – Conflict resolution is not a witch hunt. It should instead be focused on fixing the situation and preventing its recurrence. Being fair and merciful will help in fostering mutual trust and rapport.
Being open to deliberations of truce helps patch up conflicts. Confiding your struggles with a just and empathic friend or mentor will ensure that you get the right guidance. If you think you are struggling with a particularly rough conflict in life, such as incremental anxiety due to academic pressures, non-existent social life, or troubles fitting into a culture different from your own, a counselor might be a valuable source of soulful insight. The counseling center at UCI is a division of the Students Affairs and offers help in troubling situations.
In addition, one might also find themselves witness to a friend or colleague undergoing stressful episodes. In such a situation it becomes imperative to be an active listener, observing both their opinions and body language. Reflect on their thoughts to reassure them that they are being heard and acknowledge their honest concerns. Seek help and guide them to a counselor as necessary.
In conclusion, conflict resolution is a skill that everybody needs to develop and practice. Being just, attentive, rational and forgiving are essential to conflict resolution in such a manner that leaves no scars. A successful conflict resolution will instead promote mutual trust and friendship between the parties at conflict.
Reference articles
1. Conflict resolution kit from the conflict resolution network
2. Article on Conflict resolution skills from EDCC
3. John Davidson & Christine Wood (2004) A Conflict Resolution Model, Theory Into Practice, 43:1, 6-13, DOI: 10.1207/s15430421tip4301_2