Transcript of Podcast #11A: Making Friends & Meeting New People Part #1
In Attendance: Aimee Jiang (she/her) & Yufan Zhao (he/him)
Aimee: Hello, everyone, welcome to another episode of the GIC podcast. My name is Aimee Jiang. I am the International Student Support Officer for Graduate Division, and I’m excited to have you here. We are going to be talking about something that a lot of people worry about before they get here is, how do I meet people? How do I make friends? Obviously grad school is different than undergrad. So what does that look like in grad school? So I’m going to pass it over to my co-host to introduce himself, and then we’ll get started.
Yufan: Oh, Hi, everyone! This is Yufan Zhao. And yeah, I, I’m a graduate student right now in University of California Irvine. And I just came to America last year. Majoring in Computer Science. And yeah, I, I didn’t stay in America for a long time, but I think so. I’m still an alien. So I can. I think I can have some situation for you to like. Just settling down in the United States, making new friends sort of things.
Aimee: Yeah. And and that’s such an important part about being in grad school, and just, you know, being in a new country in general, you don’t want to be isolated, and I think you and I’ve talked about how you’ve made friends a few times. So I’m really glad that you’re joining us on this podcast but I think, one of the things that I always want to make sure is that people aren’t just staying connected to their family and friends back home. I think it’s really important that you do. But it’s also really important that you maybe get outside your comfort zone and make some friends here and and try some new ways of getting to know people. So what are ways that you’ve gotten to know people? What are some places, maybe, that you’ve made friends or activities you’ve gone to where you’ve been able to connect with people?
Yufan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re right. People like for me, the I remember that the very first thing I did is I try to join different groups, the online groups like the Discord or the WeChat. I’m using the, the, the social media I’m using. And trying to find people who are playing tennis because I like playing tennis because I thought it could be a good way to know new people because I and, but that by that time and like, say I, I I did a think in like, because I want to make some new friends. So I go out to play tennis, and that just I that time. All I thought is, I want to play tennis. I need someone play with me.
Aimee: Mmhmm
Yufan: So so yeah, that’s kind of but, that, that’s that works, that works actually so. A quick suggestion that I can have for a new incoming student is that you pursue your own interest like, engage in some activities like a hobby like, say, I play tennis, so I cannot play tennis alone. I need someone play with me. That’s how you have that motivation to find someone you get to know. I know it’s gonna be embarrassed like, if you just think about I want to make some new friends, I don’t know how to do that. But if you focus on your like your hobby you will gradually, you will meet someone that share the same hobby with you, and probably like you play badminton, like basketball, those, or those sports up or like a team sports, you have to play with people.
Aimee: Yeah, and I hear from a lot of students that the we call it the ARC, but the Anteater Recreation Center is such a great place to meet people, but it’s also, and this is something that I always encourage, it’s also really important that you stay, physically active during grad school. You’re probably going to spend a lot of time sitting and reading and writing, and maybe in a lab. And so it’s important that you’re moving your body and doing something with other people is obviously going to be really good for your mental and physical health.
Yufan: Yeah that’s true.
Aimee: And so I hear a lot of people joining in our intramural groups for basketball or soccer.
Yufan: Yeah!
Aimee: There’s a couple, couple of days a week that there’s a group that do a pick up soccer game and this is grad students and TAs and postdocs that go to that one. So I’ve seen, I know my husband’s gone to that one a few times as well. I think it’s a good place to to meet other people, and maybe other people who know what your experience is like. So there are clubs and orgs on campus, too, for people that maybe you’re like, I’m not much of a sports person, but I really like to watch Anime or I’m a dancer, and I really want to find people to dance with or sing with. There are definitely lots of different types of hobbies like you said getting to connect with somebody. And that’s always a a great introduction to meeting people, because you’re not just like randomly, walking around and saying,
Yufan: Yeah.
Aimee: Hi! My name is Aimee, and I’d like to be your friend. You have something already in common with somebody so that can make things easier.
Yufan: Yeah, yeah, yeah
Aimee: And you don’t always want your friends to be in your program either, I think. I’ve got a lot of students that are like, I don’t want to just have friends that are a computer science major to, or that are all in my lab. It’s nice to take a break from your academics and be able to step outside.
Yufan: Yeah true! And I I those like the campus clubs like you mentioned like. They also have some, I think most of them, they have their own social media, and every, some of, most of them they hold, the host of some activities weekly, like, like game or something, because I’ve been to an anime club. They had some kind of game. I don’t know the name, but that you have to guess the, the character’s name from some animation.
Aimee: Huh!
Yufan: That it’s pretty fun like you can get to know some, you can not, you can get to know some people, even from undergrad school. That’s younger people, they’re really fun. So.
Aimee: Yeah, it’s a great way. The, the clubs are such a great way to meet people in, in community and Irvine, regardless of like where they are in school. I’ve also seen there are some schools, if your real, some clubs, that if you’re religious, if you want to connect with maybe other Jewish students or Muslim students or Christian students, or there’s quite a lot of religions and not a list of all. So, but if you, if you’re religious, and that’s an important part of your life, and you want to meet someone who has that same religion for you to connect with. You can always connect that way as well. So this is a good icebreaker, right? Like you meet someone you have something in common with already, much easier to make friends. But do you think that there’s some cultural differences in how people make friends? And you know, inside the international community, we’re very diverse as well. We’re not all from the same place. And so thinking about, you know, other international students or also making friends with American students. What are some things that you think maybe culturally can be different, that people should be mindful of?
Yufan: like, yeah, I actually, before I come in the United States, I was kinda nervous and worried that I because I’m not that good at English. My, and in my country, when when I learn English from textbook, they always felt like you should not say I cannot, you should say, could I? Because can I is just this, this tone, It sounds, impolite. So you should use, could I? So I think, okay, theres a lot of rules here. I should mind my own behavior. I don’t want to be rude to others, but actually, actually, since, since here is a lot of people like you mentioned, like from different culture. I feel like people are pretty chill. And especially in California people, most people are really friendly, and they don’t mind like you use or can I or any of those things? It’s it’s totally fine. So, and like for me, it’s, the only thing that I should mind is that be polite to others, and think a little bit more about others like try to make other people feel comfortable, comfortable. I, I know it sounds, it may sounds like, you might feel sound pressure like maybe you cannot make you, you worry that you cannot make other people feel comfortable. Don’t worry about that too much. It’s just if you like, be sincere. Life you, you, you’re really friendly and sincere they’re like, people will also do the same thing back to you. So just be open minded and friendly to others. they can feel your sincere.
Aimee: Yeah. I think we’d open minded is a, is a really big one. I think a couple of things that I’ve heard from students is like physical boundaries, like touching can be very different in different cultures. And so the way that you greet someone, maybe introduce that like, maybe you come from a culture like I come from a family where we hug a lot. So when I meet new people, I ask them, I’ll say I’m a hugger, that’s for me, kind of how I say hello or goodbye to people but I also know that some people aren’t comfortable with that or religiously, that’s inappropriate. And so I always want to be respectful. So I’ll introduce, I, I like to hug, but if you’re not okay with hugging, it’s totally fine. Just please let me know.
Yufan: Yeah
Aimee: We have a lot of students who come from cultures where maybe you kiss each other on the cheek to say hello or goodbye, or you shake hands. And for some people that’s not appropriate. And so I think it’s important to, when you first get to meet someone, if they’re from a different culture, being really mindful of communicating your differences and and acknowledging that and it not being weird. People aren’t going to be like, why are they telling me that, they’re gonna be like, oh, I appreciate that you’re thinking about that. So that’s one thing, and I have heard, and I’m an American and I’ve only really lived here in the U.S. But I’ve worked with international students for a long time, and one thing that I commonly hear about Americans is that we say that we would like to be friends or grab coffee, and we never follow through. If, if you meet an American and they’re like we should get coffee or yeah, it’s great to meet you, I would love to get to know you better. If they don’t follow through, don’t take it as like a I did something wrong. We tend to get busy, and we just don’t follow through, very well. I, I will say that a good amount of Americans, we’re really bad at that, and I will say that in acknowledged that, that is cultural.
Yufan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But mostly people just say “we should grab coffee” or something like that is, just express a polite feeling. Like I’m willing to go grab coffee with you. It doesn’t mean I, I will set up a time and that way definitely will go coffee at the next week, sometime in the afternoon. 2 pm.
Aimee: Yeah, it’s just. It’s more of, I guess it’s kind of like our way of saying, yeah, I really like getting to know you more. but yeah, I’m not going to make plan for it. I’m not going to follow up with you later. If you follow up, I’ll be like, oh, yeah, we really should do that. But I definitely encourage you to not take it personally if someone says that, and they don’t follow through. It is a very, very cultural American thing.
Yufan: Yeah
Aimee: My husband is not from the U.S. and when he brings this up, because people used to do this to him all the time, he laughs about it now, because now he does it. So you might find yourself doing that if you stay in the U.S. long enough. So we talked about cultural differences, places to get to know people. But we’ve got a lot of students that come in and they’re like, I’m really shy, or I’m really nervous about my English. What if I don’t feel comfortable with my English? What are some recommendations you have for people that maybe they’re just more shy in their personality, and they’re nervous about meeting people or who are maybe not from an English speaking country and are nervous about having conversations in English here with other students.
Yufan: Yeah, right? I, I it’s totally understand., like a lot of people like they might be shy, then I say, okay, I, I don’t, I’m not feeling comfortable to initiate making new of friends like go out to approach others and. Well, what I recommend is, take small steps and gradually getting to know new people. Since you are shy, maybe just good, it will just probably take more time for you to building a relationship, so just be patient of ourselves like, do not push yourself, just do whatever it feel comfortable with like some small interactions like you can get, just to some small talk, if your feeling not, not, not confident on your like oral English, you can. Just okay, let’s let’s add the social media. And then maybe text others like in the social media. And that’s basically what I did in the very beginning, like in the things in our graduate department have this receptionist for all the graduate students. So in being that receptionist we had some drink. And so maybe that’s why I have, I had guts. So I get to know some new people. I just say, hi and the and that girl is from, Korean and when we are talking with each other we found out that she’s our neighbor. She just leaves next door. So me and my roommates, my roommates is from India, I’m from China, she’s from Korean, like we just talk about like the, our career and our hobbies on our way home. So it’s pretty fun. So my, my room is is pretty shy, she, she, he is pretty shy, so that’s, just the the small interaction for him is just, sometimes join our conversation from time to, and most of the times I am, I would, I am the one who, talking with her. But she, he will also join, like, say, okay, I also like like Shuttles, like.
Aimee: Yeah, I think about it as finding like a buddy, you know. Go to one thing, really push yourself to make one friend and preferably a friend that’s not also shy. We call it an extrovert here, someone that’s maybe more outgoing. And, and then that friend could kind of introduce you to other people that they get to know, or you can go to events together. So, having a I, I call it the buddy system. So you have a buddy and you can do activities together. I don’t like to do a lot of things on my own, and I can be a little bit more shy. So when, when we moved to Irvine, this was a new place for me. But I made a co-worker as a friend and so when I go, even to events with other staff members, I don’t really like to go if she’s not going with me. So I think that that’s always a a kind of an easy way for some of us that are maybe a little more shy to get out there and and have that, buddy. That kind of maybe leads the conversation a little bit. But we can jump in when we’re comfortable.
Yufan: Yeah, true. And it’s also a good time like for you to practice English like gradually, gradually. If you think you’re not that good at English, because you, so, during the process, you are getting to know new people. And the first at the very beginning is just text them and, then gradually you will, you will meet them, I guess maybe at some in-person talk.
Aimee: Yeah and I think once you have that once you’ve gotten to know someone through messaging, sitting down and, and you already having a base friendship. It’s much easier for you to then be like, oh, yeaha and now we can have a conversation. Maybe I feel a little bit safer with you about making mistakes in my English, and that’s okay, like being okay with that. So yeah, I always recommend that. Or, you know, getting to know another international student who’s maybe also nervous about their English. Maybe you both speak the same language, you know, if you met someone else that spoke Mandarin, and that doesn’t mean that you have to only speak Mandarin, right? You can sit together, and you can speak English and practice, and maybe feel a little bit more comfortable in classrooms or in your lab, starting conversations with other people. I think the only other thing that I think I’ve heard from people is when they’re a little bit more shy about their English, is being really nervous, that people are gonna laugh at their mistakes in English.
Yufan: No, no, no they won’t.
Aimee: It’s very rare. If you find someone like that, they’re probably not someone you really want to spend too much time with, and it’s not common. But yeah, so can you speak a little bit about what it’s like to speak English with others on campus.
Yufan: Yeah, so for me, I’m from China, and it is not English, speaking country like most, I, I believe most like per my experience, the Chinese friends, I know, and as I most, most of them, they cannot like speak good English, and compared with Indians. We cannot speak good English. We just know how to read and write. But I we don’t know how to speak could English, because we cause, the, the problem I found that is, I worry too much about the grammar of things. So that’s a, it’s a, that’s a very big problem. So, so first, thing is, first thing is, do not be, worry too much about the grammar things. Even if you speak broken English like Jackie Chan, people can still understand you. So the grammar is not a big deal here, and and when you speak English out at the first a couple of months, you will feel really, really, how to say you, you will have a feeling of achieving like, you have been learning English for such a long time, but this is the first time that you really using it to communicate with others because here people only speak English. But back in China nobody speak English. So it’s the first time you will feel, you will have a a great feeling of achieving something, and also you will feel excited because you are using it, and you did it, most of the time you can express yourself well, even at the beginning it could be, a little bit difficult. So you, because you don’t know some vocabulary like, things some expressions is not familiar with. So like for me, It’s I, I don’t even know how to say open the tape like use the zig zag, or like dice beef. I don’t even know how to say they things to my roommates. They are from an India. So I just ask like how to say that blah blah blah things. So language is never gonna be a problem. You just it. Just do not worry too much. Just say it. You, what do you think about it? Say it first.
Aimee: And I think a lot of people are just like, oh, I’m embarrassed that I don’t know the words for these things, but I sometimes don’t know the word for for things, you know. Sometimes it slips my mind how to say something. So I think it’s pretty common, and I think when it comes to like not knowing vocabulary, or maybe people are speaking too fast, I would just say, don’t worry about asking someone like, Oh, I’m trying to find the word for this or yeah, like you mentioned. I don’t know how to say this and do the motion. We’re all used to that. Irvine is a.
Yufan: Show them! Use your body, show them.
Aimee: Yeah exactly! We call it charades. It’s like a game, you know. You use your hands in your body to try and figure out what the other person is trying to say. And there’s nothing wrong with that and we’re really used to it in Irvine. We have a pretty large international population, but we also have a very large immigrant population in California. And so someone might be an American citizen, it doesn’t mean the English is their first language, so they might grow up in a home where their parents don’t speak English, and it, it’s very common for people to be really open minded to helping you through something helping explain something to you.
Yufan: Yeah true
Aimee: I try and correct people in some cases, because I’m like, I just want to help you. Usually when other Americans try and correct English, It’s not because we’re like, Oh, you said it wrong. It’s like a I really just want to help make sure that you feel comfortable and confident in your English, and help you as you navigate learning a language. I’m learning I’m eventually gonna have to learn mandarin, but I’m learning it Italian right now, and I say things wrong all the, all the time, and my husband grew up in Italy, and he doesn’t laugh at me. He doesn’t try and correct me, and I would say, for those of you who speak of language other than English, and you’re like someone trying to learn your language, you’re not going to laugh at them. You’re going to try and figure out what they’re trying to say, and you’re going to help them through it. And it’s the same thing here. We just want to help everyone feel comfortableand confident in having a conversation. But never be shy to ask someone to repeat themselves, ask someone to clarify what they mean or slow down. I know I talk really fast. I know a lot of my friends do here, too. And so if you’re trying to get to know someone and you’re like, wow. I just can’t keep up. You’ll get there eventually. You’ll get used to it.
Yufan: Yeah, yeah
Aimee: But just ask people to slow down, and majority of people will be very happy to try to and just remind them if they start speaking fast again.
Yufan: That’s actually what I did to my roommates.
Aimee: Yeah
Yufan: Because of their Indian accent and the, the, they speak British English. So sometimes, most of teh time I had to, to ask them to repeat it again.
Aimee: Yeah, especially, there’s certain words to when you think about like the different types of English.
Yufan: yeah, yeah right.
Aimee: I, even when I talk to students, like you, said a lot of Indians, sometimes some of our students from Hong Kong. and then obviously any of our students from the UK, that English like, they’ll say, instead of aluminum, like we say here, like the foil, they’ll say aluminium and every time when they say it in a conversation, I get so confused what they’re talking about, but, it takes time right to get used to the people.
Yufan: Yeah, yeah
Aimee: People talk so you gotta give yourself patience both with making friends and practicing English, if English isn’t a language you feel really comfortable in. I think that’s everything that we wanted to cover. Are there any last tips you would want to give someone on making friends or getting out there and just being confident.
Yufan: Hmm! Like maybe it. I’ll say, like keep an eye on the, on the campus activities. So we have, in case people do not know about that, we have actually, our campus have a website like it’s called groups of something right?
Aimee: Campus Groups
Yufan: The campus group and usually during quarter, there could be some web seminar, or where to meet or in person meet some activities. This would be there. You can, you could keep an eye on that, and check that out. Maybe you will find some fun activities that you’re interested in, and you can join ask your, ask your partner, but not partner, like the assistant.
Aimee: The buddy, the buddy system.
Yufan: The buddy system.
Aimee: The buddy system! Yeah, yeah. Ask your buddy to go with you. there’s quite a few of those. GIC is hoping to host some extra activities and events this next year for just another space for students to get together. But yeah, I use the buddy system. If you’re uncomfortable, going alone in and come to some of those events. There’s lots of things on there and that was gonna be one of my recommendations, too, is we have a lot of stuff, and sometimes it seems more professionally related and you’re like, oh, you know, I’m not really ready for that yet maybe but it’s a great place to meet friends. I see a lot of people who meet each other through different student activities and and a lot of the things that we do in the GPSRC.
Yufan: Yeah, yeah
Aimee: And a lot of the things we do in the GPSRC are more academic, related but just because you’re having a conversation about your career goals doesn’t mean that you won’t make a friend, or at least a networking connection, for maybe your career goals as well.
Yufan: Just the background conversation for you to get to know each other.
Aimee: Yeah, absolutely. And I know we always promote them as professional events but I always think no, these are more than that. It’s a it’s a connection event as well, so definitely take advantage of those. The majority of those events are free. So just an easy, great way to meet people. But yes, I think that was everything that we had for today. Keep an eye out for some other podcasts coming out about things like the on campus activities and the GPSRC, we will be talking about those in future podcasts. We look forward to having you join us.
Yufan: Yeah, that’s all.