Howdy,
Yay winter quarter. I mean it with zero enthusiasm, truly. One thing I have decided recently, after a spectacular winter break, is that I have been lying to myself. I do not like school. It sucks. I mean yeah who does but like I literally don’t want to do anything but read (I read this fantastic novel over the winter and the writing was just so phenomenal but I will get to that later). Like seriously, I am so ready to retire. I cannot wait for my life in thirty years when I am a super successful author (journalist? english teacher? magazine editor? super star celebrity? You see, as much as I have changed in the past few months, being undeclared is, it seems, still a major problem) and I can do whatever I want with my time and not have to think about money or, I don’t know, arbitrary obligations like school.
But enough rambling, I am supposed to reflect on the last quarter which, I kind-of don’t want to do but a prompts a prompt.
Well, academic-wise, I learned that, as an undeclared first-year looking into humanities, I can really kind of just try my best and still be successful. I have talked about this before I think but I took Writing 60 with Professor Ryan Chang and gosh, the class was so fun. As an intense writing course prioritizing research writing, I had to dive into professional academic writing and it turned out to be (to my surprise) a really enjoyable experience. The biggest thing that I learned from the course, though, was the strangeness of my work-ethic. You see, when it comes to writing, I really do not write unless it feels right. And I don’t really know to how to describe it to you, my dear reader, other than sometimes, I imagine writing my papers and feel dread and sometimes I feel excited; so I decided that I will write when whatever task I was supposed to do came easily. Same goes with most other things now. Of my obligations, it either gets done naturally and painlessly, or it won’t get done until then. So, my inconsistent work-ethic, and it’s exhilarating dangers is, of one of my recent self-discoveries.
Socially, I have more interesting things to talk about. I have honestly had a lot of trouble making friends and engaging in the community here. Back at home in the good ol’ Elk Grove, I was myself, comfortable and confident. But here, I was faced with a new environment, far far away from the luxuries of my family, close friends and most heart-wrenchingly, my 2009 Honda Accord that is so ever representative as a symbol of my adult freedom. So being a student here has been particularly rough on my social life. I had to learn to function around other people when I really didn’t who I was. Around these new Southern Californian plebeians, I was more anxious and more often than not, uncomfortable, insecure, and afraid of being myself. And even now, I am still working on this anxiety. It has been, believe me, very difficult but I know I am getting closer and closer to finding my confidence back.
On a more positive note, I am very proud of the past quarter actually. I have really put myself out there and, at times, a little too much. Sometimes, mostly in social situations, I would push past my discomfort in order to, you know, seize the moment, seize the day. But sometimes, personal growth and becoming a better human being has to take a backseat to how I am feeling. Sometimes, I don’t want to do things because I just don’t feel like it. Sometimes, I am tired and I don’t want to go to a team hang-out or study together or go and do a lot of methamphetamine (a joke). So, in a self-care moment, I have learned to protect my energy better. But my carpe diem adventures haven’t all been that bad. I have a few friends that I wouldn’t have talked to or wouldn’t have met if I let my anxiety stop me. And, I wouldn’t be on the amazing dance team that I am on if I had let my self-doubt win. So yay me! I hope you are “yay-ing” yourself too for your hard work over these past few months as well. And a quick warning, there is an incoming affirmation: I also hope you are remembering to be kind to yourself on this journey and that you are trying your best. I am practicing reminding myself that too: that I am trying my best, and it really is enough.
Anywho I shall be back to write my book review so look forward to part two of this when I abuse my Zot-Blog privileges to promote the superb literary prose in the novel “A Little Life” by Hanya Yanagihara. So until then,
Toodles,
Jaden Chung