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idiotically old and impatiently young

Something interesting I’ve been thinking of lately is about dating journal entries as a kid. I used to write in a journal as a kid and I never put the year the entry was written in. I always either wrote “Saturday” or “03/28”– the day of the week or the date sans year. As a kid I had lived for such a minute amount of time that I felt in my bones I would remember exactly what I was writing about and when I was writing about it. At the ripe age of 18 years old, it’s a weird dichotomy of: feeling like I’ve learned so much and feeling like I’ll never run out of questions with no answers. It could just be the fact that I’ve gone through a rapid period of growth in my life. In the span of 8 years, I went from a literal child who wanted to eat spaghetti for dinner every night to a whole ass adult who ponders the world and how she can fill that immense space with something meaningful. That’s an incredibly high rate of progression through life that I’m only just realizing and a reasonable explanation for my sudden mental game of tug-of-war. I’ve learned and grown an immeasurable amount since being 10 years old and that’s why I feel so sage. But the weird thing about being 18 is also that you’re only starting to realize how much you don’t know. 18 feels idiotically old and impatiently young at the same time. 

I feel excited to collect all the answers to my questions as I continue to live. It’s such an exciting time to be alive and something I’m not likely to let pass me by. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I don’t know it all and I feel like life would be so much easier if I just had all the answers. But then there’s not really a point in living I guess? If you’ve got all the answers and no more questions to ask what pushes you to keep going? Maybe my perception of life is skewed and incomplete because I still have so much life left to live but at the moment I see life largely as an endless pursuit for answers, for knowledge. 

Sometimes I wonder how I’ll feel when I’m older and I’m not 18 and I don’t have my whole life ahead of me because I’m in the middle of the life I was so excited to live when I was 18. Will I feel this same excitement? I’m sure I’ll find more things to wonder about and be excited for but at the moment I wont worry about that too much. I’ve got too much to figure out in the present moment to worry about my future moments.

Extremely happy to be idiotically old and impatiently young and looking forward to collecting life lessons and  answers to my endless slew of questions that I hopefully never run out of.

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taking your time is cool and good

Dear Anteater who has not a single inkling of an idea of what they would like to major in,

If you’re worried about being undeclared and you feel like you’ve fallen behind your classmates because you still have no idea what major you want to choose, I completely understand because those were my very own fears coming into UCI. All my friends were working towards career or major goals in high school already: future engineers, writers, artists heading to college to finally work towards their life’s dreams. I, on the other hand, always had “oh I don’t know yet I’m undeclared” at the ready when people asked me “what do you want to do?” Even though I’d convinced myself that this was the right choice for me and I was being smart with my decision, I secretly felt the aforementioned fear that I was not on par with my classmates for my lack of academic and professional vision. 

Honestly, being a part of the Undeclared program makes it easier to experiment and test out new subjects and classes without the burden of required courses. I was intentional with choosing classes, careful to add classes that I would consider pursuing in the future. Each quarter I chose 2-3 classes that I found super interesting and 1 class I wouldn’t be caught dead doing in the future: in my case that was a physics class. I think finding out what you don’t like is just as important as finding out what you do like. There is no such thing as “wasted time” in college. If you hated a class with every fiber of your being, that’s one major crossed off your list, narrowing down the list of prospects and leading you closer to finding one that you’ll love. The physics class was tough and I did not like it, but now I’m 100% sure that it’s not for me and I can dedicate my time to more worthwhile subjects.

Another advantage to being undeclared is the resources. There’s a special class called University Studies that’s exclusive to the Undeclared students that basically teaches you “how to UCI.” You’re shown how to register for classes, how to navigate the school website, and are given tons of resources on choosing a major that’s right for you. There’s a week of University Studies that requires you to take personality quizzes and career quizzes to help you get a better idea of what would suit you best in your coming years. I would suggest taking University Studies in your first quarter because with all the newness and unknowns of college, it helps clear away a lot of that uncertainty and is a really great starting point in your journey to figuring out what you want to do further down the road.

Overall, don’t be scared of wasting your time or falling behind. You are doing just as well as everyone else and figuring it all out in college is a normal and completely valid thing to do. I’m proud of you for taking your time and I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful first year.

Luv, an Anteater who took her time and is now confident in becoming a Business Admin Major 🙂

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my plan to battle self sabotage

I AM RUNNING OUT OF GAS

I’ve noticed a trend throughout my last two quarters of college. Every time around weeks 4-6, without fail, I stop taking my classes seriously. I consider myself a pretty studious person with good study habits. Homework is finished on time, tests are studied for, and altogether we have one happy, healthy Charlotte. However, that palace of health and wealth I work so hard to build has a typical lifetime of 5 weeks. Once that time is up, I am buried in it’s rubble.

I am coping with this unfortunate situation I find myself in for the third time this school year: I turn the volume of my suffering down to 3 and drown it with music by the Carpenters and the wonderful sound of adding things I’ll never buy to my Amazon cart. 

If there was any time to break that vicious cycle it would be now. My admission to the future major of my choice (Business Admin) relies very heavily on the grades I earn in the classes I’m taking this quarter. 

Solutions to my predicament:

  1. A ritual maybe?— I’ll burn incense and prance around a fire tindered with old school work, hoping an entity sees my fiery scrabbled mind and takes a fire extinguisher to it. 
  2. Use reverse psychology on this cycle pulling the strings of my life— become the healthiest and most productive I’ve ever been all quarter. I’m talking the works: waking up early every morning, eating breakfast, working out, doing school work, etc. If I do the complete and utter opposite of what this cycle of life has for me, perhaps it will get confused and simply quit; thus solving the predicament. 
  3. ???just learn discipline??? Understand that motivation comes and goes, but good habits and discipline are a constant.

lol I think I’ll continue to live my life convinced my situations are completely outwardly managed; out of my hands, and out of my locus of control. thank u very much. 

Predicament solution #2 is looking pretty good if I do say so myself. Maybe it sounds like a bad idea— I’ll get burnt out of being healthy and productive because I did too much too fast— but I am young and I can afford to make the mistake of getting tired from being too healthy and productive. (Okay, I’ll definitely ease into it so I don’t overwhelm myself. This is all such big talk I know I’m not game) 

This better work

Maybe I’ll do a ritual to bless the blueprints of my new and improved palace of wealth and health

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Am I going to miss Zoom Uni?

Coming to learn on campus is something I am very excited about. At the moment I feel very disconnected from UCI and it’s community. I don’t feel like I’m truly the brethren of Peter The Anteater because of online school and a general disconnect from campus and the student body. I’d love to finally feel at home with the school of my choosing and I have high hopes that being on campus will do that for me. 

Being able to be in a genuine class setting, sitting in a room with other students is something I have mixed feelings about. I think I’ve really gotten into the groove of being online these past few quarters and even though it’s not ideal, there are definitely a few perks that I’ve really enjoyed that I would otherwise not have the luxury of doing in person. For example, prior to coming to UCI, I had a very intense sleeping problem in class. I don’t know what it was but in high school no matter how hard I fought or what strategies I used to keep myself awake, sleep would always win. I fought the good fight— I tried drinking water when I was drowsy, snapping myself with a rubber band (lol ow it didn’t work it was just pain before I eventually fell asleep), and eating fruit snacks. The fruit snacks worked for a class period and then I ran out and would fall asleep again. With online classes and lectures being recorded, I can watch them any time I want and it’s been a lot easier on my horrible class sleeping habits. If I got too tired I could simply close the laptop, take a nap, and try again another time. Also, I have the option of turning all my lectures to 1.5 speed, making it a lot easier to budget my time. Obviously there is the plus of being able to actually meet new people in person which is one of the things I’m most looking forward to when on campus.

I’m definitely going to be savoring my last quarter of freshman year online and trying harder than ever to do well in my classes. 

Wishing me the best of luck!!

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Daring to Dream

Breaking News:

After a year and two quarters of college, I’ve finally figured out what I want to major in and have created a plan for my remaining time here!!! Owning a small business is something I really love and I know it’s a long shot trying to get into business as the major is super impacted but I have to at least try. So next quarter, I will be doing my 130% best to get good grades in my business prerequisites as those are what admissions look at. It honestly feels like I’m applying to college again which is a little stressful but if business doesn’t work out I’ll major in Psychology and minor in Management. It’s nice to finally know what’s coming and what to expect for the next few quarters.

As for professional goals, I’m looking to add new rings and designs to my shop! It’ll be really nice to have the break to finally get the extra time to play around and experiment with fun designs. Committing to my shop is getting more realistic by the week and I’m definitely getting a bit of help from my dad on how to move forward with it. I never expected it to turn into a long term thing but it just might! It feels a little scary to admit that in the prospect that it might fail but if things keep continuing the way they have, it would be something I see myself developing and pursuing in the future. I’m extremely fresh to this idea and it’s still very scary to admit— it’s almost like by speaking it into existence I’m holding myself to a binding contract of my own writing. And of course, there’s also the stigma behind starting something and the doubters who will think to themselves “she can’t do it.” Speaking this endeavor of mine into existence opens myself up to those doubters and fears of failure. It’s always been a struggle of mine to face and embrace failure. As a kid, I only did things I was good at because I hated how it felt to fail and I’d get embarrassed when I was underperforming. So to fix this, I just didn’t do those things. I’m still unlearning my fear of failure and it’s definitely a big mountain I still need to climb but this shop is definitely pushing me to climb a little faster. This reminds me of the quote “dare to dream.”

I’ve never really had dreams before. People dream of being astronauts, doctors but I’ve never really felt a strong desire to point my life in any specific direction. A common question: “What are your dreams?” And to that, I had no answers. I’m coming to the realization it’s a dream of mine to make my small business a big business. Maybe it doesn’t even have to be this business, but owning and running a business one day would be a dream come true. 

It’s definitely my fear of failure talking after daring to dream in the last few paragraphs, but at the moment I’m still being realistic and going with the flow of things. I’m pretty early on in this dream of mine, and who knows dreams change! 

I guess all I can do is see where I go and what I’ll do in time.

If you want to check out my shop the Instagram handle is @artsndinks 🙂