Dear Donald, America is too small for you. Become King or Emperor.
I have only written a few advice columns for Donald T., and he hasn’t followed any of those paths for his great advantage. But now he can really score big.
Donald, you should be convinced by now that America is just too small to appreciate your innate genius, with its ancient election laws, outdated conventions and restrictive constitution, unappreciative judgeships, and citizens who are too afraid of a global pandemic that they couldn’t even come out and vote. Not to mention its deep state bureaucracy, and fake or foxy news establishments. And, you won’t have to face more embarrassments of over 50 unsubstantiated court cases and two Supreme Court cases being summarily turned down.
Your genius and command of power deserves a far larger stage: a continent, a super-continent, or the world of the entire earth. Why not appoint yourself King of North America, or Uber-King of the Americas? Or best of all, Emperor of the Earth! There are no elections to require you to waste a year and a half running. No primaries where you waste a year in every coffee shop and diner in Iowa and New Hampshire, pretending to be friendly and concerned. No mail in ballots, no ballots at all. No poll watchers or vote counters. No electoral colleges, state governors, state legislatures, or House of Representatives to try to corrupt.
You just Crown yourself King or Emperor, as Napoleon did, since there was nobody on Earth superior to him. As fate would have it, this Winter Solstice, December 21, there will be a rare alignment of the planets of the Gods, Saturn and Jupiter, which will be a guiding light to the Crowning of the Chosen One. You can then crown Melania Empress, a far greater title than @FLOTUS. Your sons will becomes Princes of the World, not just Barrons or Juniors, and Ivanka and Tiffany will become Princesses of the World. All you have to do to enjoy the Celestial Magnificence of this crowning is to resign in the next week, and collect your undisputed pardon from then President Pence. Let Pence deal with the reputation killing ravages of the pandemic on his land, oh wait, you already gave him that assignment.
You will not be bound to be housed in a few rooms of a tiny White House. You can go back to occupying all of the Penthouse Floors of your worldwide Towers, and staying at your International Resorts. You will no longer be criticized for golfing 300 times while big problems go unsolved.
You can golf every day, and fly around your empire to find the course with the best weather.
You no longer have to save every record in your work, and even have a crew to retape all that you rip up. You can appoint who you like to whatever job you like without Senate approval. You can fire everybody at will, oh wait, you already do that. You can appoint your chauffeur to any position, the guy who brings you a sandwich to a position purging non-loyalists, your navy doctor to head an agency, your pilot to head an agency, etc. None have to be announced to the press and criticized by them. Just like the good old days.
You can invite any of the dictators that you greatly admire and think are your friends to join you at any of your resorts, which you now officially call Palaces. Think of it, joining Vlad, Xi, Kim, MBS, on an equal status, all with lifetime self-appointments. You no longer have to kow-tow to royalty, since you are not only royalty yourself, but superior royalty.
You very cleverly set up your Super-PAC so that you collect 75% of the funds, and can now expect and get rewards from all of the billionaires who you have richly rewarded with tax cuts, and from industries which you have rewarded with regulation cancellations and leases on federal lands. This continues for the next month, while regulations are still being dropped, and leases are about to be bidded out. This used to be called conflicts of interest, but as Emperor, you will be far past that stage.
While the Sheiks of Araby owe you plenty for your arms sales to them, you cannot collect in an election PAC, since foreigners cannot contribute. But as Emperor of the World, you can get contributions from anywhere. You also can incorporate in whatever land gives you tax free incentives, and never worry again about those courts in New York or even the US.
You can get your international friends to fund the SETI project, under the condition, that when other Emperors of the Universe make contact, they connect to you as the World Leader. You then will have the ultimate power of this area of the Galaxy. After all, the Space Force was your unique creation. As Emperor, you can even have your own force of Knights, or even call them Jedi Knights, who would care?
Thinking about space, I saw Ivanka’s photo of you with your head placed on the available spot on Mount Rushmore. Those heads are only 60 feet tall. As World Emperor, you could get a donor to purchase artist’s right to the Atacama Desert at 8,000 feet and construct an outline or portrait of your head that is 60 miles in extent, and could be seen not only from earth orbit or the moon, but by intelligent civilizations on other planets. It could even light up at night. This is a deserving monument for someone who built a 2,000 mile, er, 450 mile, border wall through US deserts and farms.
As First Lady Melania says: Be Best! Forget about the narrow confines of the US Presidency, which country you have now reduced to a rogue nation on the international stage of leadership, diplomacy, trade, health policy, etc. Take the leap into the freedom and power of World Dominance.
